Saturday, May 13, 2006

Strategies to avoid the bloody cup final...

Go back to bed for the day with the person of your choice and gendered imperative if lucky enough to summon one at short notice. The more deliberate among you will have planned well in advance for this eventuality, hoping that such methodical strategies will not ruin the spontaneous libidinal thrill. Lock all the doors and turn off the television and drown yourselves in the pleasures of the body. Good luck.

For those unable – or unwilling – to indulge in sexual activity in the afternoon (and on their own)...

Avoid all pubs for the day as they will be full of hapless throngs of males in the throes of regressing back to early childhood dressed in ugly sports clothes - Unkool and the Gang writ large and noisy.

Play loud music with the windows open to drown out any possible raucous cheering from neighbours and/or witless chanting -a satisfyingly and perversely eclectic mix – Martha and the Vandellas' early tracks, Last Exit at full apocalyptic throttle, Alvin Curran, Ornette Coleman, leavened with some death metal.

Invoke St Jude to intercede for football haters everywhere and send a plague of warthogs to invade the pitch.

Or – for the more pagan among you – create a circle in the usual manner according to tested doctrine and call up a cone of power over the stadium. Create whatever havoc you think appropriate – short of bloodletting – keep it surreally clean, chaps.

Crack out the vodka and orange juice several hours earlier than is medically or morally wise – a special occasion, after all.

Keep the television unplugged in case you inadvertantly hit the wrong channel.

Do not grit your teeth for too long as this can lead to unpleasant locking of the jaw.

Avoid any daily paper.

There is always sleep – although that will probably mean you wake up at seven pm or thereabouts and are awake all night – in which case go out for a late drink as all the wahoos will have collapsed by now. Avoid the toilets however, if possible...

10 comments:

Molly Bloom said...

Fantastic! Another football hater...just like me!

Made me laugh...especially the warthogs!

I was only saying this morning - why does everyone these days wear sporting gear? And yet....they are totally unfit and never go anywhere near any kind of sporting activity. It's a strange thing.

I'm all for your suggestions to avoid football.

I'll save the music for later. Cecil Taylor was one of the people I had in mind when writing that piece - he's plodding on for years and still can't earn enough to pay tax. But...but...he does it for his soul. He does it because he wants to.

I was thinking of maybe organising some kind of evening of art - music, reading, possibly films. There's a really nice pub near here that only costs £100 to hire. Would you come and play? It might not be as glam as the gigs you play. Perhaps. It's only a little idea at the moment...

I'm sure I could scrape together a few coppers. I think they let you off the fee if you take enough behind the bar anyway. So we'd need some heavy drinkers - hee hee.

Just a thought...

Rod... said...

the gigs I play may be described as many things - glam isn't one of them! Would be delighted to perform - old ham that I am - these days mainly on laptop improvisations... perhaps I'd better post a couple at some point so you have an idea before you commit yourself! I'm in and out of London a lot anyway... my daughter is there at the moment and wants me to come tomorrow to go to the last day of the Becks Future's exhib at the ICA as I have a glancing connection to one of the installations but probably will have to give it a miss...

Molly Bloom said...

I might have to borrow some equipment from somewhere? Hmmmm....got me thinking now...

I'll have a think. See what I can come up with. Why shouldn't we give it a whirl?

St Anthony said...

The oddest thing about blokes in football gear - sports gear in general - is that most of the people you see wearing it look as if they haven't broken into anything faster than a slow stroll for years ... exercise is clearly not a priority with them.

St Anthony said...

Not that I am a sporty, physically impressive sight myself, you understand.

Molly Bloom said...

How does Evan Parker do that circular breathing thing? I find that incredible.

Rod... said...

Let's do it... while on the vague subject of the winter game - maybe we should run a quiz to find the best/most inventive/silly etc ways to avoid the looming World Cup...?

Rod... said...

Slightly out of sync with da comments as the youth might say... Evan Parker may have got the idea from Roland Kirk who was the first I think to utilise circular breathing. As I understand it, you breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth, thus creating a circle of breath that is continuous so you can play long lines without pause. Some controversy re health hazards apparently - see http://www.abc.net.au/worldtoday/stories/s74168.htm

- laughed off in the interview. Evan Parker looked pretty healthy the last time I saw him play in Derby last year...

Rod... said...

More research into the subject (i.e. 10 seconds on Google) comes up with this http://www.petethomas.co.uk/saxophone-circular-breathing.html

during which someone points out that the Aborigine didgeridoo players of Australia have used circuar breathing for millenia or whatever - and the author alleges that Rolf Harris taught him how to do it. Wonder if Evan P ever encountered Rolf way back... the history of Brit avant garde jazz who need some interesting re-writing. Personally I go along with the old musician's joke about didgeridoos (banjos, accordions etc) - the definition of a gentleman is someone who knows perfectly well how to play one. But doesn't...

Molly Bloom said...

You see, I just can't get that breathing in and blowing out at the same time. That's just too weird.

Even Ornette couldn't do that. But if you listen to Evan, he literally never stops to take a breath. He doesn't!

Now, that Rolf fella, he loves his little animals and his painting...but now the best of all...an avant-garde jazz link!!
You rock Rolf!